i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
they're like a gay fantastic four
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Randomize
