I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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