I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
