On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
We're too hungover to prance.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
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