yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
