One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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