Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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