Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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