capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
