You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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