my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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