I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
being pregnant is like rehab
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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