Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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