my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Randomize
