man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
