he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
