Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
