i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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