I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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