saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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