moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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