I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
