Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
This baby is an asshole
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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