Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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