Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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