the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
