On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
