i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Randomize
