the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Randomize
