"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
