I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
