Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Just puked most of my soul out..
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