dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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