I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
