I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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