You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
