Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
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