O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
