I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Randomize
