when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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