Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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