On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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