Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I don't deserve a penis
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
