Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
