Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
