highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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