Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
