so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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