I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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