Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
