I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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