dude i'm inner monologue high
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
